i just don't want to try anymore. my brain is tired and i'm exhausted moreso emotionally than physically. november is always a depressing month, and it's this time of year when i just want to give up. there's no snow yet, so the days are short, dark and dreary. i crave sunlight. a part of me beats myself down and says goodbye to grad school, because it's just too hard. another part of me says to keep kicking because i'm running on the highest grade point average of my life. i just need to push through it and keep going. just keep going.
i had a revelation today. there are two types of men: those who fall in love fast and hard, and those who remain unattached and emotionally distant. the thing is, these guys are the same - the unattached ones fell hard and got hurt so remain unattached to avoid getting hurt again. or they are currently in love, just not with you, and that's why they remain interested, but distant. evolutionary psychology suggests that men fall in love faster than women to maximize their reproductive success with suitable mates. but women are picky and won't just settle for anyone - they need to deliberate and weigh the pros and cons. i want to just fall in love instantly and wholeheartedly, with no doubts, without needing to think about it. i want someone to be my whole world, even for a few passing moments, with no memory of anyone else in the back of my head. that happened to me once, and there was no doubt in my mind. i was content to just exist in that moment, and nothing will ever compare to what that felt like. unless it happens again. this is what i've been searching for, yet fighting against at the same time. nothing is worse than not knowing. the death of potential. yet knowing that love fails in the end would crush me and i would have nothing else to live for. and i'm caught in the middle, accepting circumstance because i'm too scared to find out.
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